Your brother’s keeper

Like lots of people I have lived in many places during my adult life, in fact over some four decades I would have only spent about four years at most living in close proximity to the rest of my family.

So it is perhaps not surprising that when my older brother, Neil, passed away recently in Auckland and one of his children pressed me for some early reminisces for the funeral ceremony that I realised the extent of the time we actually spent apart.

However it must be said that maintaining ‘distant’ relationships, and by that I mean involving differing countries or thousands of kilometres, is virtually impossible unless both parties are committed to the task – enough said.

Of course some members are closer than others and splits are legendary in just about any family I know well; but it seems to me the added factors of spouses, careers spanning continents and just the load of living a busy life all conspire to make the phenomenon of siblings drifting apart the norm rather than the exception.

Which I believe is where the true role of weddings and funerals comes in.  The logistics of bringing together all the members of families of any size is nigh on impossible unless it is triggered by one of these life-defining ceremonies (used to include christenings).

Christmas can also play its role with a simple exchange of cards or phone calls – no, an email alone is not enough.  If it does nothing else, the annual shared moment leaves the relationship door slightly ajar to be opened without undue embarrassment when the right circumstances present themselves to resume a closer tie.

Our family is currently planning for my niece’s wedding next March in New Zealand and this will also enable us all to reach out to the remainder of my side of the family at the same time.

I must confess that I am looking forward to the visit to the land of my birth, in my new role as the oldest living member, with mixed emotions. But I know in my heart the time is right to be reaching out.