 I’ve recently been reading ‘The Five Languages of Love’ by Gary Chapman and have come across some wonderful concepts that I’d like to share with you. They have really encouraged me to take a deeper look into my relationship, not only with my husband, but with those closest to me, and assess how I can ensure they do feel loved.
Gary Chapman talks about how falling in love and having a loving relationship are two very different things. In the early stages of ‘in love’, we look past anything that could be wrong and see the person as the pinnacle of perfection in every way. Love truly blinds us! The ‘in love’ stage generally fades after two years and then couples either move forward in a loving relationship or end it.
In the early chapters he also introduces us to a concept of the ‘love tank’ that is woven throughout the book. Essentially each of us has a love tank, much the same as a fuel tank on a car. When our love tank is full, we feel completely loved, appreciated and happy. When it’s empty however, we lose our self worth, question our relationship and begin to resent and blame the person we feel is responsible for our love tank levels.
 It is always ideal to operate with a full love tank, and one of the suggestions he makes is that each afternoon/ evening, you ask your partner “How full is your love tank?” They respond with a 1-10 answer (10 being full) and you then ask “What can I do to help raise it to a 10?” Your partner will then let you know what you can do differently to help them feel more love in your relationship. They then ask you the same questions. It’s a simple strategy, and one that we have tried over the last week, and even talking about it makes you feel loved, knowing that your partner cares enough to want to improve it.
The books title is ‘The Five Languages of Love’ and the core concept is that each individual will have one primary method of feeling and experiencing love. That’s not to say that we don’t’ all appreciate everything our partners do or say, but if that one primary method of expressing love is missing, then we will not feel loved.
The five languages of love include:
1. Words of Affirmation: Encouraging, kind and humble words that will support your partner should be spoken regularly. Begin to note down all the compliments/ encouragements that you give your partner and notice how often and what sort you are giving. Also eradicate any negatives or nagging from the relationship.
 2. Quality time: Togetherness and quality conversations are key elements to quality time. He mentions the babbling brook (the person who talks non stop) and the dead sea (the person who never talks of how they feel or any emotion) as two personality types he often sees in relationships. Make a list of quality activities that you enjoy together and schedule them in weekly or monthly.
 3. Receiving Gifts: This could be something bought, made or found. Very simple things, but the act of giving crosses all cultures and can be an essential for some people to feel loved. The gifts need not be related to money at all, but could be a single flower picked from a garden.
4. Acts of Service: Mowing the lawn, doing the dishes and walking the dog are all acts of service. When done with love and received with love, the love tanks on both sides begin to fill.
 5. Physical touch: Babies and children grow into more psychologically balanced adults when given loving physical touch. Touch is essential for many to feel loved and close and is a natural part of any intimate relationship.
At the end of the book is a ‘love language test’ for both a husband and wife. It will determine your primary and secondary love language and allow you to open a discussion with your partner about how you may be able to improve your relationship. Interestingly enough, there were case studies where Gary helped only one partner and found that even with an unwilling spouse, one partner could completely turn the relationship around.
I hope this short introduction to ‘The Five Love Languages’ has helped you get a new perspective on your relationship and I really encourage you, if you haven’t already, to go out and buy the book. It’s a great read, and may just completely change your relationship for the better!
If you’re really ready to step up and create an amazing relationship and need a little assistance to get started, please give me a call on 4296 9331 or email me and we can work on it together.
If you like what I’m writing or would like to give me some feedback, I’d love to hear from you. Shoot me an email at jodie@advancedcoachingsolutions.com.au | 
