 Hopefully, if you’ve been reading my articles for some time, you will have gauged how important a role relationships play not only in our lives but also in our happiness. In my usual fashion, before my next workshop, which is titled ‘Building outstanding Relationships’, I’ve gathered all the resources I can find on the topic and am in the process of trawling through them to pick out the best. In reading ‘Passionate Marriage’ by Dr David Schnarch I’ve found a real gem that I just couldn’t wait to share with you!
Relationships are a central part of our lives, whether we like it or not they have a massive impact on our wellbeing and often influence the way we feel. Dr Schnarch introduces the concept of self-validation early in his book and continues with it throughout. He describes the ‘average relationship’ as requiring ‘other validation’ which locks both people into a cycle of reliance on each other for their emotional wellbeing and feeling of self worth.
 A great example of ‘other validation’ is where one partner is constantly looking to the other partner for approval of their choices. It could be a career decision, or it could be as simple as asking your partner to validate your choice of a restaurant.
There are two things that I need to clarify right up front. Self-validation is no substitute for a quality relationship with your partner, it is one thing to be emotionally self sufficient and quite another to ignore fundamental relationship issues. Every relationship should provide love, support, respect and numerous other niceties, and we are in no way saying that self-validation will replace these things. The other factor to consider is that not every instance where we ask for our partner’s opinion are we looking for validation. Often we are simply discussing things or having an open conversation.
In yourself you will recognise instances where you are seeking validation of who you are, a decision you’ve made or your opinion on something. As you recognise this tendency, begin to validate yourself before your partner has the chance. Think of the great qualities you have as a person, and say to yourself exactly what you want to hear your partner say. Give to yourself what you are seeking from your partner and notice the dynamics of your relationship change.
To take self-validation to another level, don’t even wait to notice the need arise in yourself, go out today and begin to validate yourself to yourself. Here are some easy examples to start with:
 • When you cook a great meal, say to yourself “Boy that was awesome! I’m a great cook!”
• When you get a new outfit, twirl in front of the mirror and say to yourself “Damn I look hot in this!”
• When you clean up after a party and no one notices the effort you’ve put in, say to yourself “I’m really great at cleaning up and sorting things out, I’m happy I can get the place back to the way I want it.”
• When you get a great rap from your boss or a client, say to yourself “I am pretty great at what I do, aren’t I!”
• When you finish Uni and graduate with honours, say to yourself “I did that! I’m amazing and I can do anything when I put my mind to it!”
If you constantly positively reinforce all your good qualities you will notice that you need validation from others less and less. You will also notice that your own self worth and confidence begins to raise leaving you feeling more in control of your life and like you are able to create your own destiny!
To grow your relationship and yourself to reach your full potential you must be able to love and validate yourself first, and others second!
If you’re really ready to step up and start living life and need a little assistance to get started, please give me a call on 0409 224 303 for a complimentary coaching session and we can work on it together.
To check out workshops available and what’s scheduled for the rest of the year, go to www.advancedcoachingsolutions.com.au/Workshops.html | 
